Deflection

I find that mom fears everything and it is the reason that she is so strong. And, it seems like fear dominates their lives and it make their life very sad.

It is like the fight or flee response that is built into us. And, from my point of view, I will add freeze to this scenario. So, if a person becomes in danger, as we would have in antiquity, there are three choices against danger: fight back, flee area, or freeze. All of which would have been highly stressful. For a person to survive, they had to be good at all three scenarios. If possible, fight the dangerous situation off. If this situation was not possible, then flee the area. But, if the danger was impossible, the freeze or take cover. Therefore, with these people with dementia, they are feeling trapped within the world that they are living in and they want to flee. And, as we have seen with people in fear fleeing an area, they are stronger than usual, moving fast, and they are moving everything out of their way. One might state that they are deranged, and they will move over anyone in their way.

It is impossible to determine everything. that a dementia person is fearing. But, as I have seen with mom, some of the things that she is fearing does go back to her childhood.

When she was in grade school, there was a child abducted on the west side of Fort Atkinson. The driveway to her parent’s farm was about a quarter of a mile long and it was believed that the abductor was hiding and waiting for her in this farm lane. (As a side note, they believe that there was a man located in the Lake Mills area that abducted girls from Fort Atkinson to Madison. It is sad that it took about seventy years to find her abductor.). All through mom’s life, her has demanded that all the exterior doors in a house be lock. As for now that she has dementia, she is demanding that all the exterior doors be locked and the doors to her bedroom. The she will come with great tension in her eyes and state, “you do not know what I go through.” Once again, the fear factor is so high with her.

Mom fears being alone. Some time in the afternoon, she starts stating that people are coming, but I am not sure what people she is talking. She states that she wants to go to her parents house. last week I took her to the house she grew up in, and she did recognize it although it has been added on to over the years. I even took her to her parents grave site, although I feel that she recognized it, but she was uncomfortable. One day she asked me for her brother’s phone number. In the best perspective possible, it seem like she get extremely bored in the afternoon.

She fears taking drugs. Although she was not one big on health as we growing up, I am not sure where this fear drugs are coming from, but she now considers all drug as poison. (After talking to her doctor’s office, I found out that it is not uncommon for the elderly to feel that drugs are poison.) But this leads to a number of problems, with her stating that the drug do not make a difference. Since the drugs that she has been taking are mood altering, she cannot tell that they make a difference, but we can. So, we crush her pills and pout them into either yogurt or a frozen yogurt cone. Since she was diagnosed with a urinary track infection, we thought that we would try a liquid antibiotic, but that did not work, since she would not take the drug, so we mix it into butterscotch pudding. Life becomes a matter of trial and errors to see what does work.

She keep stating that this is not her home, and this statement has been hard from to figure out, but it goes back to things that have happen in the past. After she move in to area, there was a couple that live close there her in this subdivision. She had been divorced and her and mom had a topic in common. (Although she did not work with a councilor, she just kept going over the same divorce material with other divorcees.). Then there was a young couple across the street form mom’s with a three year old girl. About ten years ago, these couples moved out of the area and the people, like the society that we live in, here are not as neighborly as people were years ago. So, when mom states that she is not her home, it means that people here are no longer stopping in to see her. And, this is a sad reflection on our society.

Her fear makes life difficult for the caregivers. (As a side note, since she has broken her femur, her insurance policy will pick up the cost for caregivers.). First, as with probably many people, she does not like to have strangers in her house. This is a fear factor. Then there is the caregivers them self. If they are not like her with the approximate mental and physical make up as she has been all of her life, then she is frustration. (It is a matter of people wanting to be around people like themselves.) And, if they do not have the same work ethic as she has, then there is more trouble. But, if she finds someone that she likes, they grow on her and they have a good relationship and with the fear factor dissipating. (I have to hold my breath every time that a new caregiver comes a long.). She turn the shower nozzle on a caregiver the other day, and the caregiver is not going to let mom get the best of her. She goes after caregivers, when I am not here, with her cane. But, once she get use to her care giver, like the one she has in the evenings, she does real will with them.

She is defiantly in fear losing her independence. Although I am not sure how she detects that a care giver is here to help her, but she becomes very strong when she knows that they are here for her. The other day she had been stating that she wanted to go home, she became really strong with one of the care givers by stating that this is her house and that she has the right to remove anyone that she wants to be removed. And, with that much strength, it becomes clear that she is in fear of losing her independence. Unfortunately , the caregivers have to feel the brunt of her rage. But, as I talk to some of the caregivers, they tell me that they have been through worst situation.

Her fear factor is hard on her family. First, and probably the most important part of the items that she fears, is find out what she is really fearing. As stated above, we know that she fears not having the house locked and being a lone. The idea that “this is not my home” has taken me hours of observation to determine that it is because people, and people from her subdivision, are not stopping by to see her. Communities are not like it was when she was going up, when we were going up, and when she was in the real estate business. (Her mother talked about living in a rural farm during the depression, and she would stated that when a person would travel to to town for supplies they would always stop to ask there neighbors on the way if there was anything that they could pick up for them. This type of community is defiantly gone.) Therefore, although this new society in difficult for us, it is difficult for her.

Fear is a powerful emotion. And, for people with dementia, their every hour fear factor is off the wall. It makes it hard for everyone involved. Since she needs support from her caregiver, friends, and family, we all have to learn to cope.